Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

It is refreshing to see change that was instigated by me. I had become tired of not seeing plain old "boring" beans at the salad bar, so I filled out a comment card politely asking for them to be a permanent topping. In the last four days at least one meal a day has had them. Yesterday I came in toward the end of dinner to find the kidney beans almost gone, but I did manage to get close to the usual amount I usually get. This is a very good thing because it means I'm not alone so maybe this positive change will stick around.

Earlier this week we talked about how trying new things is good because you might come across something you like. I just remembered that garbanzo beans are one of those foods I didn't really want to try. But I took a risk last summer, while I didn't like them at first, and now I have acquired a taste for them (You could almost call it an obsession, the way I search for them it very well could be). Now I'm fighting or perhaps a better word would be petitioning for them. The course of these events I find amusing.

Filling out the paperwork for my work study is very complicated. It needs to be filled out and signed by so many people: me, the community service agency, and my employer. I'm thankful I have found a job though. It was just in the nick of time, October 31st is the last day to find work or else they give your money to someone else. Soon I'll be working eleven house a week. two at Ebert Elm. teaching ballet and nice at Glendale Public Library tutoring K-8 after school.

Dad didn't send me any money like he said he might. I was hoping he would but I shouldn't be surprised since I said I was doing alright. I'll be fine, soon enough I'll be paid for my new jobs.

Love,
BreathingNow

The Little Red Pack

Check out the article I'm writing my rhetoric analysis on. It's hilarious.
http://www.harpers.org/TheLittleRedPack.html
I love Harper's.

Someone I Do Not Know

You sit there in your lawn chair, in clothes that lack the crisp, fresh look of the outfits worn by most of the other spectators and that obviously haven’t been washed for days, like a homeless person is the most natural thing to see that a marching band show. We will ignore the fact that homelessness is almost an epidemic in Grand Junction and the surrounding area. Just sitting there most people can over look your presence, I’m sure you’re used to it. Maybe you even prefer it that way, maybe your only wish is to be unnoticed and live a life completely parallel to those around you, hoping that you never have to cross paths.

I’m sure you have many great stories tucked away in your mind. How you got your lawn chair might be an interesting one. When someone wasn’t looking you just helped yourself to one of their former chairs because God knows you need it more than they do. Who on earth needs twenty lawn chairs, for cry out loud. Maybe you have that lawn chair from your own earnings. Being tired of the ground and park benches you went out and panhandled for a whole day for that lawn chair. While the rest of the parkies got drunk you just sat back and watched from you new lawn chair, laughing. Your chair could very well be one of your last possessions from your prier life, that and the clothes on your back.

I don’t think many people care about where you got your lawn chair though. Why the parallel life you choose to lead? Who are you hiding from? What are you escaping? Is there someone here that you know? Does marching band remind you of a better time? Maybe some one from your past was in band and watching now lets you forget your current situation; an ex-girlfriend maybe; that special someone that got away from you. Nothing else made you happier than watching her move across the field, noting her precision and accuracy. Than you got into a fight one day about your involvement in her life and she gave you the ultimatum that if you didn’t come to Delta she would never talk to you again. You tried to explain that you couldn’t make it because of something that couldn’t be changed. If it wasn’t for this commitment you had made you would be there. Delta means just as much to you as it did from her. Unfortunately, she had already closed down and wasn’t listening to anything you were saying, your words became just like the leaves that fall every autumn, if someone would pay attention to them they would be lost in the beauty. Is there someone on the field with a shocking resemblance to the one you lost?

Maybe I have this all wrong and you really know a person on the field. You sure left really early, as if to avoid contact with someone. Could they be a child of yours? Could this whole situation be a product of an ugly divorce? You lost everything to that woman you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. She took you to court for every last possession you had included the child. It was bad enough that you lost the love of you life, and every item you worked hard to have, but she had to insist on that court order that would make it against the law for you to be anywhere close to your own flesh and blood. So at events like these you seek in to steal a glimpse at your child. Even though you know nothing more of them except what you can infer from the couple of minutes you have to watch them on the field and their interactions with their teammates, you are more proud of your child than anyone will ever know.

Whatever brought you here to the field at Delta High School I hope you found it. That for a couple hours in your life you were able to forget about the fact that your life maybe not be where you wish it was. Maybe you even had a place in mind to go with your lawn chair, another event to distract you from ticking the days.

Pictures of My Lovely Campus

A random monument to a English Professor that I've never heard of, not that I've had a chance to.
Such a wonderful sitting area, itsn't it?
Another view of this unquie sitting area.
It reminds me of some hindu symbol I've seen before.
A cool little sitting area.
A place behind Sturm that was left undiscovered by me until recently. My second favorite place on campus.
Where all my classes are since I dropped my math class, Sturm Hall.
Where I smoke three times a week after my english class.
I think this is the clock tower on the law building.
These two were so cute together I had to take a picture of them.
I love the Humanity Gardens it is by far my favorite part of campus.
A fairly washed out picture of part of the Humanity Gardens.
My squirrel friend, I think his name is...I don't know maybe I should ask him next time.
I really have no skill at taking pictures but I thought I would just take a bunch of pretty ones, sometimes blurry but none the less very pretty.
I love my dorm, just not my noisy hall.
My room is one of them...it's the one with the fan in the window, ha ha ha. If you can't notice most of them have fans.
The sign telling you the name of my dorm.
Another picture of my dorm.
One of many pictures I took of my dorm and surrounding area.
The walkway to my dorm.

Hope?

When I first looked at this picture of a black person hanging in a tree after being lynched with all these white people standing underneath I felt this overpowering sense of surreal ness. The most dominate question running through my mind is, “How could this be real?” Having little knowledge of the time when this sort of activity was popular I can’t grasp the concept that this is real. Given the fact that this was sent out as a postcard, much like postcards are today containing phrases like, “having a good time, wish you were here,” adds to my feeling of surreal ness. I can’t help but think that this is a result of going to a rural, mostly white high school. That often parallels a lack of history taught in class that doesn’t fall under “isn’t America great” persona. This results in me being completely appalled that this lynching happened on our soil, even though I knew these occurrences happened once upon a time. If I don’t see it, it didn’t happen, right?

This picture has successfully shaken my false beliefs to the ground, because the foundation of them has no strong truths to make my beliefs stand stubbornly against this quake. Another thing that makes this picture so hard to digest is how nice of a day it appears to be. The sun peaks through the branches of the tree shinning on the faces of those below. In my mind this seems to be so wrong. Shouldn’t it be raining or at least be a very dark and overcast day? The sun’s desperate attempt to break through the boughs of the tree reminds me of so many pictures depicting hope. At first glace this picture doesn’t depict hope, maybe in a ‘round about way. Possibly showing that maybe there is hope that this sort of activity can be a thing of the past, but at the time this picture was taken a bleak future loomed ahead of us. Why did the sun have to show its presence that day, didn’t it know it was just a day of suffering and full of crimes committed against human kind? The people in this picture could learn a lesson from the sun. No matter what color our skin is the sun shows no prejudice, it shins its light on everyone, and the longer we spend in the sun the darker we become. Getting closer to being the ideal person, a sun kissed child of Mother Earth.

Looking at all the white smiling faces gives me an eerie feeling and a bad taste in my mouth. This picture could almost be an advertisement of how fun it is to lynch people, showing how easy it is. “Look! I did it, so can you.” Even the blurry kid in the front appears to be enjoying himself with a big smile on his face. It probably doesn’t even cross any of the people’s minds that their holiday is at the expense of someone else; that their joy is a direct result in this man’s suffering. While they have a day filled with wholesome family activities this man’s family is suffering (adding to the collective suffering a whole race still carries with them); suffering the loss of their son, brother, or father. You can almost imagine their hatred for the white man. Every night they go to bed dreaming of the day they can seek revenge for all the wrong doing done to their race. Parents dream of a time when their children can experience innocence instead of having the privilege of seeing everything through a filter stolen from them. While restitution will probably never be obtained African-Americans can look forward to a future full of hope instead of the bleak one they have known for so long, even though it may not bloom to its full extent in their lifetime, but they can always hold out for what is due fully theirs.

Garrett

For weeks now I have been living in an illusion. I thought when I went home I'd have his arms to hold me and have him tell me that our love can make it. At least the part about him holding me would be true. When I sent Garrett that text message about looking forward to seeing him I finally got a response saying he was sorry he hasn't talked to me for awhile and that he got back together with his ex and is now engaged. Now my whole world has seemed to crumble, the little I had left of it anyway.

Garrett had turned into my one and only. That person I was going to make forts with, swap crayons, and we were going to live in each other's imaginary world. He was perfect to me. If I lived my happily ever after with him I wouldn't need anyone else.

For the first time in ages I let my guard down and bore my heart to someone, it got shattered to pieces. I had believed I wasn't capable of loving anyone. Than I believed I loved Garrett, and that I STILL do love Garrett. Garrett had changed me more than anyone has ever been able to do with just being with me. Just one week had turned me into someone who didn't know what real love was to someone who could love. Now because of that change I hurt more than I ever have in my entire life. It's worse than any disappointment I have ever experienced with my dad's broken promises, or the whole ordeal with Isaiah. As of right now I don't think I'll ever get over this. I can "believe" that I have but one little piece of of me will alway want to be with the one that got away from me.

I can't help but think that if I had just told him sooner that I loved him or if I took the risk and said I would want nothing more than to be with him the rest of our lives maybe I'd still have him.

Broken hearted,
BreathingNow

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

After class today I hope to take a shower and get my money before too much time passes. It would also be nice to find my face's wash cloth. I think I lost it and haven't been able to wash my face for a few days.

I'm so clumsy today. I dropped my cigarettes and it took my three tries to pick them up. I also almost dumped all my stuff off of the top of the "flip desk". Hopefully, this clumsiness doesn't stay with me until I wake up tomorrow. I have practice tonight, that probably wouldn't be very good. So far I feel my talents are not being used to their full capacity. Even though I'm not a weapon I am so much more than a flag. I am capable of being a dancer. So many people have commented on how much I've improved but yet I'm still on the retard dance line. I feel under appreciated with no opportunities to grow as a performer.

I just got back from Elbert Elm. Where I'll be teaching ballet to 4th and 5th graders. They were so cute. The whole time I was there this girl kept dragging me around by the arms, throwing herself on me, begging for attention like children are really good at, I am looking forward to teaching elementary school even though I don't plan to teach it when I graduate. Who knows after this and some other teaching at this age I might change my mind.

Soon I'm going to put my stuff together for the weekend. It'll feel like old times packing a suitcase for practice without the bus ride. I wanted something different but as time moves on I want more and more to be the same.

Now I'm going to look for a stamp or two.

Love,
Breathing Now

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I think I did fairly well on my test today but we'll see how I really did on Monday. All I hope for is a C since my average is a D right now.

I have officially run out of money today I hope I get a job real soon because I don't know how that's going to work. If I am lucky the company I bough my Japanese Translating Software from will give me a refund it isn't what I wanted. That software is what pushed me to the bottom of my money pit. That is the last time I should look for shortcuts when doing Japanese homework when I'm tired. What I really needed was a dictionary, that would have been satisfactory, maybe even better than a translator.

In one hour I have to call Blackjack for that job. Without money I can't do laundry or mail this letter for that matter. Dad isn't being a real big help, I just need a loan. I f I live much more sparse I won't be able to handle it, college is expensive. I'm always needing something. Yes mom, it's real need. I wish I could use my mean plan cash for school supplies. Luckily, I do have about 70 dollars coming my way because I lent it to someone on the guard. She has a check waiting for me. I am trying to meet up with her before practice so I can put it in my account before the bank closes for the weekend.

I finally called Blackjack today. They'll be hiring soon and take another look at my application (which is in all red, I did apologize for it though). It may not be what I wanted but it isn't Greyhound, which for some reason Dad keeps pushing on me.

After another boring dinner I went to an Anime Fan Club meeting and watched Fullmetal Alchemist, it was an awesome cartoon, right up there with Witch Hunter Robin. Afterwards I had to go to a play for my UDCC class it was primarily Spanish, at least the songs were. The play makes me appreciate the Language more. Often I forget to look at the beauty of it instead of wishing the person in front of me to speak English. When put in that situation anyone can admit that beauty is the last thing on you mind.

During the play also made me wish I could be with Garrett. I text messaged him during the play but with no response. He must have decided to cut me off completely from all contact with him. He says it's hard to have a relationship of any kind with me when I'm so far away, what a selfish thing to say and to act on. For once in my life I honestly love someone more than myself and my motives in life. So I couldn't stay in Grand Junction, or I didn't want to stay....Does it really matter? It would be a great story someday. How love conquered all, conquered the hardest of all obstacles, distance and time. It would be a lasting love above all human knowledge. Life isn't easy so why expect something as complicated as love to be. I didn't ask to fall in love especially right before leaving. Now that I've experienced it I don't want anything else, or anyone else to share that with, but Garrett.

Love,
BreathingNow

Absentee

I'm disconnected
From the world.
I need to be
Grounded.
Soon I'll no longer
Be apart of this
Life.

The current weather
Reflects my mood.
I feel like crying
But can't find a place.
To hide away,
To find shelter
From the harsh world outside.
That would be ideal.

unfortunately,
I don't have the
Ability to hide
In crowds.
Not that is matters
No one will notice
My tears.
They are not of
Their world, or a
Part of their thinking.

To everyone
I am just a shell.
"That person" with a
Ghostly stare.
An outsider.

BreathingNow

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I've been waiting for your letter forever it seems. It's so nice to get mail, it reminds you that someone is thinking about you. This week feels like it is dragging on too long. I'm ready for the weekend, these has been one shitty week. I really need some hugs from my mom.

Like I keep telling you I wouldn't trade what we went through for the world. I gained so much more than perspective from that experience. It was life changing in a good way. It has become one of those defining moments in my life. I am not ashamed to talk of those time, because of them I am a stronger person. Since I survived that ordeal I can make it through anything, at least I like to think so. Besides, how many people can say that they live with two people who are now in prison 20 to life.

I look forward to out phone calls at this point they are the highlights of my week. I'm surprised to hear myself saying that I can't wait to go back to Grand Junction. I've looked forward to leaving for so long (like the whole time I lived there) that it's pretty anti-climatic living here. After so much excitement it's such a let down. So far the only benefit is that it only takes me about 30 minutes to get to practice and starting this week I'm staying at Roy's house, who is only about 10 minutes away to lessen the stress of Denver driving. It works out well because he won't be using his bed since he'll be at work.

I still haven't found the stationary I want, whatever it looks like. Letter writing is a dying are so I guess making stationary sets meant for handwritten letters isn't as profitable, which is really sad. People should try to more it's better than I remember it.

Job hunting sucks and I'm horrible at it. Guess I'll get plenty of practice in the coming years. I've never really had to look far for a job before. Than again I've only had two, on of which was handed to me. At least I'll have my job at Elbert soon teaching 4th and 5th graders how to dance ballet. It's only two hours a week but it's a little dent in that 10 hours a week I need. Only 4/5 left, lovely.

Today I was almost late to class because I'd spent the night with Roy and traffic was bad, I should have known it would be at 8am. After class I went to the campus bookstore to buy a folder for my English class and while I was there I completed my ever shrinking pen collection because I keep losing they and bought a car for Melissa. When I got back to the dorm I tried to do homework but my mind is restless and I can hardly hold a thought in my head. When I finally started my reading for Literature and Ethics I managed to read fifteen pages before I couldn't see the words anymore and took a nap.

I missed dinner but I'll make sure to catch breakfast tomorrow. The food is good here when they feel like adding some variety and make stuff I want to eat. I used to love the salad bar but it's lacking the kidney beans and chick peas I like now. They have been replaced with gross combination resembling a bean salad. My saving grace is that I'm not as picky as I used to be. Unfortunately, my Achilles heel is onions and they like to put them in everything, much like Palisade and green chilies which I also can't stand. Since the dining hall staff has no need to impress anymore my meals consists of mostly pizza, fries , a boring salads, and maybe (hopefully) something more exciting like the spinach/egg pie thing I ate today for lunch which I absolutely loved. Soon I'm going to end up as a vegetarian because I most appealing food has no meat.

Earlier today I was on a search for the song from Garden State's trailer. Once I found out the title and artist I downloaded it off of Limewire. I've been listening to it all day. It's a nice, happy song that makes me feel all warm which is a very welcome change.

Yesterday I learned how to make my computer type Japanese I'm still trying to find a way to integrate that into my studying, maybe it'll make it more appealing. I have a really big teat tomorrow and I think my study buddy forgot about me. Oh well, I need to learn how to do they myself too.

Love,
BreathingNow