A Step Outside

A flash
Mental
Not physical,
A flash...
A flash
Before my eyes.

A trigger,
"Click",
Something clicks...
Mental
Not physical,
Someone pulled
The trigger.

A snap,
Mental,
Not physical
Something inside
Snaps.

I was you
Who pulled the
Trigger,
Caused the flash.
It was my
Self-control
That snapped.

It hangs
By a string
Do you dare
To pull out
The scissors?

Why do I
Let you
Cut me off?!

A change,
A change
In me
I feel it happen.
I know
The exact moment
I slip off
The edge.

After that
I don't remember
Any more.
I was not
Myself.
I do not claim
Those actions
As my own.
You guided me
To kill.

BreathingNow

Perfect

I am not
Your daughter,
Your perfect
Daughter.
I'm sorry
I'm not
Who
You wanted
Me to be.

No matter what
I do
I'll never be
What you ask
Me to be.

As you continue
To complain
Of what isn't--
You overlook
What is.

BreathingNow

English Composition: A Sacred Place?

It is that time of day where I am not quite sure whether it is morning or evening or if the sun is rising or setting. That is until I walk through the grass and take note of the dew. It is morning…that’s right. No one is around except for me and nothing is awake except for me, not even the stars. I feel as if I just woke up, rested but making my way through the cobwebs. The only sound that I can hear are my own steps crushing the leaves and twigs under foot, which alone is enough to make my ears bleed.

This is my sacred place, even though it isn’t a place--at least a specific one. It is one of many places. They are the collective memory of my definition of sacred. The best thing is I don’t know where it is and so neither can you. That way nobody can ruin the purity of this place. No one will ever have the privilege of seeing this except in a dream. Everyone is too loud to know this place when they find it, so it is forever lost.

To portray this place only a picture or poem could ever do it justice. With both you require no sense of hearing and therefore you almost "leave it at the door." Only people with no ears could ever fully enjoy this place. Now only if we could have no mouths to make the noise that our ears hear. Maybe in that sense would a picture is more suiting. The only medium feasible, the medium that requires only eyes.

English Composition:Black vs. White

My favorite family photo of myself is the one where I’m sitting on the lap of a liquor bottle. It was some kind of promotion the store was having at the time and I really wanted a picture with it and my mom took it. After all, I got my picture taken with "Tony the Tiger" why not the liquor bottle (not that I knew that at the time). People in costumes appeal to children, go figure. This picture says several things that may not be apparent to most people because I know the history behind the picture, let me share. I was young and liked costumed people, my mom carried a camera with her at all times and if I wanted a picture she took it. What makes this picture especially distinctive is the fact that it is a liquor bottle. How many kids have pictures like this in their photo album?

Even though I was very young I remember getting out of the car that day, that is probably because this picture was taken. I sat in the backseat behind my mom and carried my favorite toy with me, a purple hippo pillow that played a song that I can’t recall (the soundtrack of my youth). The day was a typical Chicago spring day, warm and cold at the same time with a low breeze. My mom probably asked me to wear a sweater but I probably replied, "I’m never cold." That day I wore one of my favorite dress/short combo, anything blue was my favorite (along with some ugly clothes, I had no fashion sense). It was made of corduroy, rough on the skin and made that "sound" when you walked, perfect to amuse a young child.

When you compare Sally Mann’s pictures with this one they amazingly share some of the same characteristics that made Sally’s work so controversial. Although I am clothed, smiling and appear very well groomed one might question my mom’s parenting. What kind of mother takes this kind of picture, a liquor bottle, come on? It doesn’t surprise me that when I asked for this picture that my mother told me how everyone in the parking lot gave her glaring looks. What do you think they were thinking? Probably the same things that Sally Mann’s critics said about her work.

Why is everyone so quick to judge? I am sure if you looked hard enough in your family photo album you would find a picture similar to hers, like me, or did you just throw them away saying "that picture is controversial", "that isn’t what childhood is about", or " let’s just forget this instance." What sums that up the best is a line from Janet Malcolm’s essay about Mann, "All happy childhoods are alike: they are the skin that memory has grown over a wound." Who wants to remember the bad things in life when you can elaborate on the good? In reality the bad is what makes the good so memorable.

Childhood photo

English Composition: My Inner Minimalist and My Outer Packrat

If you were going to try and guess what kind of person I am by taking a quick look into my room, good luck. I have such a "collection" of things it would be hard to sick me into a stereotype, which is a good thing because I don’t want to be in one. My material goods at best would reveal me as a unique and strange individual, an individual with a wide range of interests from winterguard to reading (being the most obvious).

I’d like to say I’m a minimalist but my room would show the exact opposite, but I don’t think that I am a packrat either even though my dad seems to think so. My room might be cluttered, but that isn’t the whole story. These items are the visual representation of my life without them there isn’t much to it except for the memories in my head, pictures are overrated. This is probably why my dad thinks I’m a packrat, to him it appears I never throw anything out, but if I didn’t I’d have a whole lot more "junk" than a room full.

I would hardly call any of my stuff indispensable, essential, or precious either. To classify my stuff as such is almost like asking me, "If your house was on fire and you could only save three things what would they be?" Both are nearly impossible for me to do because I could live without all of it. I hardly have any sentimental value placed on anything. Any three items I chose would probably change if you asked me a different day, it would be arbitrary. Why do I hang on to all this stuff for so long? Because at the time it seemed important enough to keep but if it was to be consumed by flames I would get over it. In twenty years I can make the assumption that I won’t have any thing that I have now because everything loses its importance and value over time. Something new and better will replace everything sooner or later. The only exception is furniture. Unless it’s broken, furniture usually sticks around for a while.

One thing has been omitted from this whole scenario, my backpack. I don’t keep it in my room I carry it with me everywhere. The contents of this bag I find so important that I can’t go anywhere without them. I don’t mean my backpack with all my schoolbooks but my mini backpack or what some call a purse. The contents of this bag are my bead case, a book, some chewing gum, my wallet, a pack of cigarettes, a camera, my cell phone, a lighter, my earrings, a bouncy ball, a film canister of state quarters, another lighter, three sticks of lip balm, hair ties, body lotion, sandalwood oil, hand crème, hand salve, a pen, and some nail clippers. While some items have found a permanent home in my bag others won’t be staying for long. Why are these the items I choose to carry around with me every where I go, because they are functional and necessary for me to continue on my travels. Those that aren’t necessary to my travels are probably just stuck in transit between the place they were and the place they belong.

I classify my bead case as the most important out of everything in my bag. I bought it not too long ago to replace one my mother had given me. The one my mother had given me about four years ago was ugly and old and didn’t represent me in the slightest. A bead case should somehow represent you. So I got online and bought one from the SGI (Soka Gakkai International, a Buddhist organization) online store. A hot pink bead case to hold my prayer beads and other items. I chose hot pink because it is different like me it isn’t blue, green, yellow, black or brown but a vibrant hot pink. Inside I hold my jade green beads that I chose because they look most like the ones I really want which would be real jade and not plastic. For some reason I feel jade is the color that best represents my spiritual self and that is why my beads are jade. Inside my case I also hold my prayer book, SGI cards, various phone numbers, several proverbs, and my Daimoku Chart that I keep track of my time spent chanting and my highlighter for my daimoku chart.

The next obvious item on ranking of importance would be my wallet, my Cheshire Cat Wallet. This wallet holds more crap than money. Inside are various get nine, get the tenth free cards (Juice Stop, Qdoba, Mr. Goodcents, and Texaco) and a free dessert from Bennigan’s. My hotel card key collection from all the hotels I’ve stayed at for the last four years. It also contains my driver’s license, MAV Card, time card and pay card for work, insurance card, two Barnes and Noble gift cards, a city market card and another SGI card. I also have a picture of an ex-girlfriend, "I got naked at Qdoba" sticker, an advertisement for PFLAG that I found absolutely hilarious, two free Wendy’s frosty coupons, and an old receipt with the quote "Wherever the snail goes there also goes the shell."

After those two everything else kind of just fits in somewhere. I carry my nail clippers with me everywhere because I can’t stand to have my nails long at any time. I have three sticks of lip balm because I’m addicted to the stuff and constantly have to put it on. The skin care stuff I have because my boyfriend gave it to me and I have this urge to use it so it doesn’t go to waste (might I add I usually don’t use this stuff). The camera has been with me since my tour of the University of Denver’s campus (which I’m going to in September). It has seven pictures left until I can get it developed. The bouncy ball I got out of a toy dispenser at Bennigan’s. I normally don’t spend quarters on those machines but my friend Patti wanted a clear one and she didn’t get one, so I put a quarter in and traded her my pretty pink one for the "ugly one" which I actually like. It is very eighties. The lighters I have because you never know when you need one and I at least use mine several times a day especially since I smoke. A pack of cigarettes because I just might "need" one at any moment…like right now. Hair ties found their way in because they had no where else to go at the time. My earrings I needed for my trip to Vegas and my bag was the safest place for them. You can never be without a pen. Sandalwood oil I carry around because I like the smell and it has significant meaning in my religion. The state quarters I have because they were in transit from my mom’s house to my room. Chewing gum in a nice thing to have at all times because you never know when you need to freshen your breath. Lastly the current book I am reading "A Million Little Pieces."

Some of the things in my bag are there just out of necessity and others are there because I want them to be, I find comfort with their presence. I guess that is how all my possessions are.

The Future Freaks Me Out!

A little bit more of my life has been solidified. I have been accepted to DU. That means I know pretty much what I'll be doing with the next four or so years of my life. I'm so excited! In fact I was so excited that when I was opening the "big envolope" I got a nasty papercut. It has to be close to having the record of the worst papercut ever. To top that I bleed all over my acceptance letter. Despite the papercut all is great because I'm going to one of my favorite schools. Walking on that campus right after my admissions interview expecting the worst. I knew that I wanted to be there. I feel so complete. I'm weird, I know it.

To all those that know the size of the bill of going to DU for four years will laugh knowing that they did give me a 7,000 dollar annual scholarship, a mere dent in the debt I will soon owe. But that is in the most distant future that freaks me out...the unknown. Imagine not even three months ago right now was the future that freaked me out. Oh no...I might be stuck in Grand Junction forever, going to Mesa State! I'm going to die. I'm not dead yet and I'm not staying at Mesa State. Someone loves me...lol.

Overflowing with excitement,

BreathingNow

Take Me Away Essays

The following were two essays I wrote for a schalorship I applied for during hell week. You will have a good idea were my mind was during that week by reading these.

1. 
   I think the best luxury in life would have to be the ability to nap. After a hard day at school, work, or play there is nothing better than curling up into bed. To lay down and pull the covers up tight and just relax and let sleep take you over is one of the best therapies. During the day especially, sleeping in the warm sunlight soaking up the heat, just like a fat cat. Nothing I can think of is more refreshing than that. Than you wake up stretching your arms high above you and take note of your muscles coming back to life thinking there isn’t a better sensation in the world. Everything just seems to be brighter and more pleasant. Even though it is simple that is one of life’s luxuries that I most enjoy and it would be a hard job to find someone who disagrees with me.
2. 
   If I could go anywhere in the world I would want to go to a secluded place with no one around. Where time could just stand still. There would be no deadlines or anybody or anything demanding my immediate attention. This secluded place doesn’t know what stress is because everyone before me never experienced it during his or her stay. Want to know why? The reason is there is nothing to stress about, nothing even to be thought of to stress about. Here I can do whatever I want because time is without a boundary. Here I’ll finally be able to indulge in my own thoughts and escape the world to be able to breathe once again. Best of all there are no alarm clocks here just the peaceful sounds of nature. After a little time here I can face the world with nothing keeping me back or holding me down, with a spring in my step. I’ll just glow with a newness no one will be able to beat.

"10 More Reasons I Love You"

11. I love you because I can count on you.

12. I love you because you don't hide things from me.

13. I love you because I don't know of any other way to feel about you.

14. I lover you because if feels right.

15. I love you because you are easy to talk to.

16. I love you because you are who I want.

17. I love you because you are who I need.

18. I love you because you are easy to be around.

19. I love you because you are you.

20. I love you just because.

"10 Reasons I Love You"

1. I love you because I know you love me.

2. I love you because you are a beautiful person.

3. I love you becuase you are not selfish.

4.I love you because you are a very caring person.

5. I love you because you are never jealous.

6. I love you because you embace the differences in me. (let me be who I am)

7. I love you because of how you make me feel.

8. I love you becuase you thry so hard to please me.

9. I love you because you awakened feelings in me that I haven't felt in a long time.

10. I love you because I can.

The Beat (Poem 5 of 5)

The techno song
Soon becomes the
Meter to which my
Heart beats to.

The techno song
Playing in the background
Soon becomes the
Theme to the moment.

Is this real?
Am I dreaming?
What is this surreal
Place I'm in?
Is this the beginning
Of love?

Addiction (Poem 4 of 5)

You are so intoxicating
-- so addicting
Being away from you,
Causes withdraw.

I can't get enough
Of you.
I need my fix!
I want more!
I want to take
Something no one
Else has.
I want to give
Something you've
Never had.

Got to me careful,
I can't hold back...
For long.
I'm getting stung out.
It's got to be right,
It's all you've got,
There is no second chance.

This is no little thing,
It is a little piece of
Immortality!
There is a conflict
Of interests here.
Do I get high,
Or keep you pure.

No matter what
You'll still remember me.
Good or bad,
You'll remember.
What will my lasting
Impression be?

Forever is a Promise (Poem 3 of 5)

The question
I've been thinking about
For days has been asked.
Do I have
Anymroe of an answer
That I did than?
I don't think so.

Even though I've
Prepared myself for
This moment,
That doesn't make me
Any more ready
To answer it.

Funny how we think
Preparation is the answer
To everything.

Guarentees, promises, and forever
I can not give
Today is all we have.
The length of today
No onef will know,
Not even me.

If that is what you are
Looking for,
Search no more.
I can give that,
But no more.
This is a gamble--
Remember that.

Deathly Silence (Poem 2 of 5)

When I look at you
I wonder
What will transpire?
Will we be lovers or
Just friends?
If we are to be
Just friends,
Why do you
Continue me on this
Cherade?
Drag me by the
Heart strings?

I want more
Than your smile.
I want more
Than the silence.

It's driving me crazy!
I don't know
Where I stand.
If only...
You could tell me,
But the silence is so
Loud!
It drowns everything out.
So loud it hurts
My ears and
Makes my heart
Bleed.

Hide behind the
Lack of words.
Its a good place
To Hide.
It acts like a
Shield to protect
Your feelings.
Sometimes, though
Feelings are meant
To be broken.

BreathingNow

I'm On Fire (Poem 1 of 5)

I can get
Close enough
To you.
Closer, closer, closer...
It is not enough
For me!

My flesh burns,
With Anticipation,
As if the flames
Of hell were upon me.
I'm engulfed with the heat!

I sweat but
I'm cold.
I need your body
To keep me forever warm.

The hunt is enticing,
It stirs my senses and
Heightens my perception.
Although,
That does not ease
The pain of the flames.

Hopefully you can extinguish
My flames but
Not my desire.

BreathingNow

English Composition: Reading Response

Home?

The question of what home means to me has been one that I have been trying to answer my whole life. I remember when I first moved here that when I was really upset I would always say that I wanted to go home and my mother would tell me that this was my home now. That answer was never acceptable to me and I would always reply that “home is where the heart is” and my heart isn’t here. Just saying that I wanted to go home was comforting as a child and I never had a doubt that my home was in Chicago. That is until my mom came back at me with a question after I told her home wasn’t here. “Well Tracy, if home isn’t here where is it?” The words hit me like a cold wave of water. I don’t know where my home is.

Ever since that moment I have been on a never ending search for my home. I soon realized that looking for home is harder than I thought. What makes it so hard is that I don’t know what home means to me. So, I guess I’ll continue my life with the constant feeling that something is missing until I stubble upon “home” than I’ll know what home is to me. Sounds like an awful way to live, but how else will I find it? Process of elimination seems to be the only answer to this riddle. Try on everything until I find the perfect match, like prince charming trying to find Cinderella with only her shoe. Too bad I’m not Dorothy, than I could just click my heels together saying “there’s no place like home” and find myself there. What if home is just found in fairy tales? I could look forever without much success.

I believe home is out there somewhere just waiting for me to find it. That is how fairy tales work isn’t it, believing? How will I know when I find home though? I guess I’ll just feel it and know. Or I could just follow the quote I’ve been carrying in my wallet since I coped it onto an old receipt from a gas station August 26, 2003 (date on receipt). “Wherever the snail goes, there also goes the shell.”