My Time In Kansas

I had no internet connection my week in Kansas visiting Melissa so here are the posts I wasn't able to post last week.

08.01.05

Riding on the bus, toward a place I have never been before but have heard of many times, traveling through towns I never imagined existed I can’t help but think that something big awaits me in Liberal, Kansas. The closer I get the stronger the feelings gets. What does this small town have in store for me besides an old friend? Will this be one of those insights into something bigger than me, one of those times I’ll learn something and take back with me that’ll change my life forever? Maybe I’m just anxious to see my best friend again and her new baby and I have misinterpreted my own feelings, which is more than likely. Although, this mounting excitement inside me has me thinking something more than the ordinary is waiting for me in the land of Dorothy.

Some of the names they give these places. Have you ever heard of Swink, it’s a city. How about a road named Locust…grossly interesting. Sonic seems to be the mark of civilization on the eastern slope, they’ll have one before a Wal-Mart.

08.02.05

I missed Melissa so much that when I saw the Stratford, TX sign I started to tear up. I told my self that I wasn’t going to cry but as soon as we pulled into the station and I saw her car I couldn’t contain myself, I bounced around in my seat until the bus came to a complete stop. As soon as I stepped off the bus I ran to Melissa with tears in my eyes and almost started sobbing the only thing stopping me was Melissa telling me to get my bags before the bus driver stole them.

08.03.05

Sitting here in Melissa’s living room at 1 o’clock in the morning in the company of her cousin Ashley sleeping on the floor I watch Melissa feed Levi. Here I think about how similar this life looks like the games I used to play as a kid. Melissa executing all the steps to being a perfect young woman playing mother, it’s like a phase that I went though diligently pretending to me a good mom. But this isn’t a game, why does it seem like one? Than again I can’t seem to grasp the concept that Melissa is really a mom. I really missed out on a lot, the whole big belly, baby showers, and the birth. In the beginning I was unsure whether to believe her or not, now all of a sudden here she is with a baby boy, like it appeared out of thin air.

I’m sure all of this is because I feel left out of the details of Melissa’s life. That is nothing new, every time Melissa has a life outside of me I feel left out and jealous. Just one of those things I need to get over. No matter what happens in our lives I’ll be just as important to Melissa and vice versa. My role has just changed, but that is the only constant…change. I just have insecurity issues, I guess.

08.07.05

Here I am sitting in the lobby of the Pueblo bus station uploading pictures from my camera to my computer of Levi and Melissa. I miss them already. I felt like kicking and screaming, begging to be dragged on the bus. I didn’t want to leave her. She told me not to cry but I did as soon as I got on the bus and I am now as I right this. I pretty much slept all the way here except for a short time in Lamar, CO to grab an orange juice. To bad I couldn’t have just stole her away to live with me forever in Denver. Even though I offered a place to move to in two years I know it was improbable because if I follow through with my plans with the Peace Corps I’ll be leaving in another two years. Than where would she go, back to Liberal?

As for that big thing awaiting me…it was the friendship Melissa and I share, while I did expect that, it is more than that. It’s that I’ll always have a friend with Melissa no matter what happens. (Which I doubted was going to happen because I thought our relationship was dying, me of little faith.) She can have a baby and move to Kansas, or I can move halfway around the world with the Peace Corps it doesn’t matter we’ll still be friends. When a friendship goes though as much as ours has it can survive the test of distance and changing lifestyles. Thank god because I’ve needed a friend like that since I was born and haven’t found one until now. It’s kind of weird that the least likely friendship I’ve had is the one that passed the trial of time and change.

On a related note:

Strange how when I had given up on making friends and being the social being all humans are meant to be in one aspect or another I found a wonderful new best friend and fixed up the relationship with an old best friend without even trying. Now I am doubly thankful I have two friends. I have had a lot of blessings this last year in Grand Junction. Too bad it couldn’t have been like that before. If it had though I might have not left like I’m destined to do.